... my only sunshine

I know I already explained a little bit about myself and the title of my blog, but I am going to explain my title better.

Like I already mentioned I work at an assisted living specifically with people who have some sort of memory loss. Mostly dementia and alzheimer's. It is a wonderful job and my life has been deeply touched by the people I get to be around.

I never had an intrest in working as a CNA doing what I do now until I had the sweetest, tiniest, Great-Grandmother of them all. I was a young girl, maybe 10 or 11 when Little Tiny Grandma (that's what we called her. She was really tiny. Or Grandma Salt Lake, because well she lived in Salt Lake of course) started to get a little bit confused. We went on a cruise with the whole family and 83 year old great-grandma sat at the front of the tour bus and asked the bus driver the same questions over and over again. I am not sure if I remeber the actual moment perfectly or if I just remember it now from hearing aunts and uncles relive the event, but that is when I first noticed grandma was confused.

I was young and don't remember all the small details inbetween, but after that trip there are few things that stood out to me. I remember visiting grandma at her home in an assisted living center. She had her own door and lock. Her own kitchen and bedroom. And yes, of course, the jar with Oreo cookies on the table. It was just a little apartment and if she needed help someone was there for her. I remember standing in the main lobby thinking it smelt like old people and it was kind of weird. As I stood there watching grandma interact with our family a few small birds in a cage caught my eye. I watched them jump and fly from branch to branch. They were happy, singing even. I don't know if I made this connection then or as the years went on, but I thought of the birds kind of like great-grandma. Happy and singing, but in a cage. Grandma was not unhappy (if she was she never showed it) but she was in a cage of her own. A cage of forgetfulness and frustration as each day came with more confusion and a sense of lonliness.

I loved to visit her there and I even enjoyed passing the other old people in the halls. However, one day my parents told us Tiny Grandma was going to live with Grandma, her only child and daughter. We went to Grandma's house every sunday so this was exciting news for me. I would get to see Tiny Grandma every sunday too! I was too young to understand this meant things were getting worse for her. They made a nice room for her full of everything blue that she owned. She LOVED the color blue. At first it was wonderful to have Tiny Grandma with us every sunday at the dinner table, but as time went on she had to stay in bed. Her memory was about gone and she was completley dependent on her daughter, my grandma, and aunts to take care of her.

Regardless of her state of mind Tiny Grandma would grab my hand and tell me she loved me. She wasn't aware at all that I was her graddaughter except for in her heart. I would always tell her who I was and within moments she would wonder whose cute little girl I was. I don't remember that bothering me. I just knew it was Tiny Grandma and that I loved her and she loved me. Nothing could change that.

As the days became numbered I remember nurses and CNA's from a company coming in to help take care of Tiny Grandma because Grandma couldn't do it on her own anymore. I was so grateful for those helpers. My grandma is my idol, hero, example in all things and I could tell she was getting tired. To see her have someone come in and help her take care of her mother and the woman she loves more than any other was something that caused  me to step back and think. Grandma must have really needed help and Grandma really must have trusted those helpers. When I saw how much it blessed her life by being able to spend more time sitting and talking with her mother instead of always running around doing things for her I thought for the first time that maybe I wanted to help people too. Maybe I wanted to be trusted by families to help take care of their parents and grandparents.

I don't remember doing anything for Tiny Grandma except brushing her hair. I do remember that it felt good to do something for her that she couldn't do.

In time, Tiny Grandma passed away and rejoined her sweetheart on the other side. We're all a little bit jealous of that, but we're glad they have each other.

It wasn't overnight that I decided to be a CNA, but because of this experience I had with my sweet Great-Grandma watching her changes and watching people who didn't even know her, love and care for her in the end, I am a CNA today.

I have had many experiences working as a CNA and one of my favorites still is with a little tiny lady who reminds me much of my little tiny grandma. She has little to no memory of anything, not even her own children. As I was pushing her for a walk one day I was humming the tune you are my sunshine. Before I knew it she was not only humming, but singing right along. I kept pushing and cried quietly as she continued on and finished not only the first, but second verse I didn't know even existed of you are my sunshine. For a moment I thought maybe it was my tiny grandma singing with me. There is no doubt in my mind that I was her sunshine at one point or another, but she never could express that in the end.

I have now learned all the words to both verses of you are my sunshine and we sing them together often at work. Each day as I help sweet ladies and men with their daily cares or sit with them and reminisce and laugh the words that always come to my mind are..

You Are My Sunshine...   ...My Only Sunshine